Aishwarya Rao

Stop guessing.
This is not about your Cityville invite to build the city of my dreams, run trains, launch ships and more.
Or your desperate cry for help to survey your farm land.
In fact, I don’t mind your game invites at all.

I find it amusing that you reckon I could be your Poker buddy, that I will give you four cups of All Purpose Flour to run your cafe and help you make delicious cakes while playing ‘Tea4Friends’.
The truth is I suck at poker, can’t tell the difference between Atta and Maida and the only thing I probably make in style is Lipton Dip Tea.
But you don’t know this. So I don’t mind your invites.
After all how does the ignore button achieve its ‘life purpose’, right?

This list of ‘things you do on Facebook that shit me’ is a very different one.
It is a list of things my Facebook friends ‘commit’ that I struggle to control.
Mostly I am amused, sometimes annoyed and once in a while speechless.
So here’s my list in order of annoyance from to 10-1, 1 being super psycho.

NOTE: This post was not written with any particular person in mind.
So don’t take it personally, be offended, unfriend me, call me a bitch and create a scene.

10) Setting up a Fan Page for yourselfAre you serious?
Did you accidentally set up a page instead of an account?
Or do you think it is high time your acquaintances and friends became your fans too?
Unless you are some sort of a celebrity or one in the making, I am not sure I follow your logic and that cracks me up!

9) Making a calendar of friends’ birthdays and worse, tagging them
Why do you do that?Do you print these January Birthday photos and pin them on your bedroom wall?
Are you afraid that Facebook might screw up and forget to notify you of their birthday?
Worse you tag your January born friends.
As if there is a chance they might forget their own birthday.
If this is an app you have accessed, have you ever, ever questioned its logic?

8) Punctuating your post. Or not

If it is not funny enough that you write a Facebook post to say you have emailed someone, your utter lack of respect for the ellipsis or any punctuation for that matter is (if only mildly) disturbing.
Dear A,Read your email and I have replied to it…………………………………………
‘Reply me’ when you have a moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!With Love; P
7) Updating your status with sad, poignant and mysterious statements, every single day
A normal person has a thousand wishes…but I have only one…to stop you from updating your status with sad, mysterious and philosophical messages that want me to choke you. You might have been back stabbed by a friend. I have been too. In addition I have lost my job and a parent, broken up with my boy-friend and been rejected a visa. My life sucks too but save the self-pity. Let me know when you have moved on. Please repost this in honour of someone who moved on…one who stopped annoying us with sad LIFE quotes copied from various pages on the Internet. I know 97% of you won’t post this as your status…but 3% will.

6) Sts updts tht rd lke dis
Are you on drugs?
Do you confuse Facebook with text messaging?
You have 420 characters to update your status.
Then why do you torture my soul with updates that look like you have been forced to use the left over characters from a game of speed Scrabble.
Dis msg is 4 ppl who wrt lke dis. Hw tuf is it 2 wrt in full? It is nt kewl!

5) Using David Beckham’s or Pippa Middleton’s photograph for your profile picture
It is okay. Occasionally. May be L.A.Galaxy won a match.
Or you are celebrating Doppelganger week on Facebook and someone mentioned that you are a Pippa look alike.
But if you have celebrity photos or low resolution images of Simpsons quotes (that you found on the Internet when you googled ‘FUNNY’), as your profile picture FOREVER, then it is strange. Just strange.

4) Changing your last name to your status
Either you are stuck in Orkut 1.0 beta mode or you simply don’t get it.
How can your last name be ‘happily-married’, ‘in- Hawaii’ or ‘on-a-roll’?
Why don’t you explore the possibility of updating your daily status, relationship or current city?
How am I supposed to respond to a friendship request from Raj Coolismylastname?
It is really not that funny, unless, your last name is ‘has-no-clue’.

3) Letting your dog post on my wallI know he is ‘sooo cute’.
But he can’t post on my wall and ask me to Skype with his momma.
It is unnerving enough he has a Facebook account.
It is so not ‘awwww’ when he does that. So not!

2) Checking into bed with your partnerScreams PSYCHO
Not funny.
Not cool.
Just wrong.
Stay away from Facebook Places.

1) Allowing your new born to poke me

Welcome to creep-fest heights.
Have you any idea how unsettling it is when your three-day old baby pokes me?
Friend, I have come to accept a lot of things in this friendship.
Like the fact that your bundle of joy has a Facebook account of her own.
That she uploads her own photo albums.
And captions them with much creativity like “I couldn't stop giggling” “Me, when I was two days old”
In some way I even get it.
But allowing him or her to poke me is both bad manners and spooky.
So stop it.

As I said earlier, no offence intended. I certainly look forward to our continued friendship on Facebook.