Aishwarya Rao

This is one of those moments when your mind races your typing speed. Thoughts rush like an army of soldiers and choke your brain. There is a stupid sensation in the middle of your throat and your eyes are bulging out like an egg about to burst open any time now. You want to hide inside your own self and cry aloud. Tears are pushed out by the raging mind as a mark of ultimate pity on your stupid self. The silence is screaming in your ears and all you wish to do is give in to the pain tearing your insides, littering your memories into the abyss. The cruelty of what is real makes you shudder and your self is consumed by the smell of your saliva. And then you want it all to end. The ultimate realization that everything till this moment has been a stupid animated dream, yes only a dream like all others and you are to this world nothing but a mere number.

Often statements that people make instantly are the ones that speak their mind. And more often you will pay your lifetimes savings not to hear them. Words and phrases that hammer into your mind, in a matter of seconds, how inconsequential you are to life in this world. How you aren't half an inch indispensable as you thought you were. Not even to the most special person in your life. And at that broken moment it comes crashing upon your thick brain that you are but alone. The nakedness of the moment might hurt but at least this time it isn�t an illusion. You, lady are here for your own good self. To love yourself and leave anything that hurts your body and mind is your duty. You will be disappointed only when you fight the order. You will hurt yourself each time you make a sacrifice for a body other than your own. You will commit a sin when you love a mind other than your own. You will perish into nothingness when that body turns around, stares in your eyes and spits on your face. Remember, you are your own armor. In the words of the mortal kind, you are your best friend.

Ouch! It hurts. Those words make me twitch. And an ugly feeling washes my entire system. I feel immobile. Paralyzed by ugly memories. Two of them. Once, when my best friend lost me for no reason, next when I lost my best friend- again for no reason. And it is difficult for me to believe I survived. Survived the nakedness. The loss of an armor I thought was eternal. The numbness of life minutes after I was torn apart. The taste of metal inside the closed walls of my mind. Smiles of my news enemies that taunted my tears. Their presence in my life, long after I was dead. Their spirits that haunted the abandoned graves of blind faith and innocent trust. And their memories transformed into dementors sucking me of all the happiness each time they glided into my mind...But I continued. Bravely. Carried on like a ghost untouched by the shots of a mortal gun. Trusting again. Turning a blind eye to the shadows behind the screens� denying the order for the hundredth time. I embraced the happy moments from my memories. Welcomed the ghosts of the past into my world, unknowingly preparing myself for a second death. Now I am too much into the water to get back to the shore. To restart the system. Too scared to break free because I am used to the dungeons now. Too weak to cut the rope. But there is a thought and the end is not far away.

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25 Responses
  1. You are but a mere number, but how many other numbers repeat your number is what counts. Even a zero becomes a hero if someone repeats it a lot of times...

    If u dint get it, Rs 10 to Rs 100000000000000000 ;)

    For sure a lot of people are there with u..u r never naked wrt to the people whom u love or the ppl who love u. Thats human nature, juz cant survive alone.

    And its quite shocking to see such a post from u..!! But u gotta bring out the girl in u sometimes i guess ;) Life is not always fun and frolic, but its how u live it that makes all the suffering worthwhile.

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  2. I must mention that is was excellently written. Perfect description, though I dont like people to be sad. Cheer up gal, i have never seen u like this..Bitching is far better to feeling sad and depressed ;)

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  3. RA --- It was one of those times...that hour when i didnt want to live the next moment...but when those thoughts disappear, i am back to normal..and those words are nothing but a sea of meaningless emotions stringed together....

    And its quite shocking to see such a post from u..!! True from a person who is nothing more than superficial, this seems like nothing but a miracle, doesnt it.

  4. Girish Says:

    been there...
    completely get wat u mean A...
    Life IS a five letter word..

  5. maheshbalaji Says:

    A, its very superficial that u call u'rselves superficial... u brought out u'r inner thoughts so well! if u've seen the Matrix, Morpheus says - 'the body cannot live without the mind'! so it is the mind that matters at all!

    be the brave gal u r!

  6. me too second that u havent been superficial, its just the flow of thots..who says it has to be nice n cheerful all the time? infact letting it out will relax the mind much better...

    Never been ther and never will be ther, but I can sure emphathise..

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  7. PDevil Says:

    These feelings are wrongly conceived as saddness. Its nothing but fear..or anger..more often its the latter.

    Control your anger.. nothing more pure than that.See how you'll rise above the others.

  8. @G,
    Life is a bitch and i love curd rice was my fave line in college...

  9. @mahesh balaji
    its the shallow mind that suffers...and thats what i meant by superficial...always at the surface of things and never having the courage to face the dumb stupid freakin shit called Reality!

  10. You never should be there RA,
    Never ever, to God i pray
    For Azkaban might be a better place to stay
    For when you trust, a heavy price you pay!

  11. @pdevil...
    you are hundred percent right. it isnt sadness. its frustration, anger and a feeling of nothingness taking the form of dreary words...

    Control my anger---worth a try, but digest insults after insults with a stupid smile and a hopeful mind, why???

    and i am amused that the devil advocates the pure...

  12. i hav trusted ppl, i have been misled, i have been betrayed, i have known immesureable pain, a pain only a loving heart can feel...been thru all tht but never a sec hav i contemplated taking my own life.. i feel tht by committing suicide u r not solving a problem, juz bypassing it...tht never is the good way out...

    And mmmmm, lovely verse ;)

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  13. @RA
    Everyone one of us have, havent we? And when those memories come back to haunt us, that moment is bitter. Its momentary lifelessness, a void within yourself. But most of us get over it, in our own ways...

    and ya..taking ones life...i want to say..(after watching the damned constantine movie yesterday)---God has a plan for all of us...

  14. PDevil Says:


    You have not idea what anger does to your future.I can empathize with your feelings for being left out in the cold, feeling like a free fall every step.

    As Yoda (from Star Wars puts it..)
    "Fear leads to Anger,Anger to Hatred; and Hatred to Suffering...."

    Why else do you think I am stuck with a name reminds me that anger only hurts you more than it should on another.

    N.B. Evil is Absolute;anything Absolute is Pure.

    Evil is Pure..

  15. hey enna maa aachu??? why this kinda post???

  16. ah!wat an not gonna try and delve deep into the minds psyche like i usually would do,to try and figure out why u wrote what u i hav a faint idea why..i wudnt know..besides uve received enuff of all kinds of psychoanalysis already i can see..hehe..
    i could prob even say been there..done that..for lack of a more apt statement.yes,i have been there and maybe worse..cant say really..its not a bunch of flowers u judge by the colours and the smell no..?
    and i know for sure,it sucks yes,but im also pretty sure u'd have felt much better after putting down these thoughts in writing...for the simple reason,that,it was brilliantly written.and the words came from within..
    PS:sorry princess hermy,cant seem to come online fast enuff these days..the season isnt nice..
    PPS:indispensable,yes,sometimes we are.inconsequential,no,we never are.
    PPPS:i luv it when my enemies means they've dropped their guard and so are not gonna realise whats gonna hit them.peace,princess.

  17. @pdevil --- i like the chosen one fear fear...nah..i am just saying it because it feels intelligent to say it...

  18. @paparazzi --- na machi, the regular feeling when ships come ashore...i m over it now...

  19. @don ---ya don, honeslty i was shocked that i wrote this and hurried to a friend and said"look at what i have done...what the heck has taken over me..." ...and and ...Hermy, hermy..don have i told how i love being called that?!

  20. umm,3.46 million times i think.
    PS:u cud hav saved a lot of typing time by jus leavin the picture..the pic says it all..hehe..oh,and ntn against the picture..i love it.

  21. @don
    :( sad face smiley don, for u have hurt hermy, treated her like she was dobby!

  22. wud any dobby be called a hermy granger?
    wud a dobby be called a princess,tats stranger..
    the don said the pic was awesomely expressive..
    ur words were equally,if not more,impressive!!!

    thou wilt now invert the only bracket thou hav used in thy previous comment.
    and yes,tat is an order.
    :) rocks!

  23. :-) is much better. Tells u not to pause, but continue to smile...

    Btw, come out of this topic itself and post a new one... :P I hate ppl being sad and talking about sadness.

    Lemme give you some tips
    For your mood dips
    Come to grips
    And smoothen your heart rips

    Rock your hips
    To docking ships
    Think of locking lips
    And forget your mood dips ;)

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  24. yes don :) your wish my command

  25. RA ---
    I should thank you for your awesome tips
    Reading it made me laugh in fits
    Before i realize how horrible i am at this
    I will stop, i will stop, these attempts you would love to miss